Children’s Health Ireland marks Baby Loss Awareness Week with advice for supporting siblings through loss
Infant Loss Awareness Week, which is held annually from 9th 15th October, aims to help raise awareness of the impact of pregnancy and baby loss and support bereaved parents and families.
15 Deireadh Fómhair 2024
Gach suíomh CHI
News
Last year in Ireland, 162 infants died within the first year of their lives. For the families who experienced the death of their baby, this is an unbearable and unimaginable tragedy.
Karen Prunty, Neonatal Clinical Nurse Specialist in CHI at Crumlin, explains:
“Supporting families through the loss of an infant is one of the most heartbreaking parts of our role. In these moments, we provide not only medical care but also a deep level of emotional support. We are there to offer comfort, answer difficult questions, and ensure families feel seen and heard in their grief. Sometimes, it's about simply being present, offering a hand to hold or a quiet moment of reflection. We also help create lasting memories by assisting with keepsakes, like handprints or photos, giving families something tangible to hold onto during their journey of loss. It's a privilege to be there for them, and we strive to provide a safe, compassionate space for parents as they navigate this profound loss.”
For parents who have other children, their first question is often how to they tell their children that their tiny baby brother or sister is going to die. This depends on the on the developmental age of the sibling as well as their temperament and personality and unique family circumstances.
On Christmas Day 2022, Áine Collins, lost her daughter Hollie, hours after she was born. Despite her own grief and heartbreak, she didn’t know how to help her son, Kai, understand what had happened. Áine wrote a book to help Kai with his emotions but to also help other grieving parents during their difficult journey.
Áine’s story:
“On Christmas Day 2022, I gave birth to our daughter Hollie. She passed away in neonatal maternity 15 hours later. I had a three-year-old at home at the time, he’s five now. He loves books. As a parent, I suppose I was worried about relating this to him because he was part of our journey.
“Kai knew he had a baby sister. Then, he knew she was gone. One night, as Kai was sound asleep on my shoulder, I wondered what he was thinking. An hour and forty-five minutes later, I had written the first draft of “Hollie’s Journey”, a book that aims to be a guide to help open up the conversation about loss with children and help them understand the emotions they are going through.
“Children always have questions. All the emotions come over Kai. Anger, happiness, sadness. But it's okay to have them. There's a page of him and his friends comforting each other. And then, there’s the rainbow at the end. The hope maybe, after the storm. My hope is that Kai will always remember that love trumps everything. If something hard happens, if you have the right support and if you have love in your life, you can overcome anything. I think love trumps everything and that people can see the love in the book. The message for him is to ride the storm, but surround yourself with love, and there'll be light at the tunnel. That’s the important thing, if you don't have family and love, you don't really have anything in life.”
Kai with his parents
Research has shown that children develop formative understandings of death by age three, comprehension of some death concepts by age six, and have a complete understanding of death by age 10.[1]
Creating a safe space where the death of their sibling can be discussed is important to their adjustment.
According to Dr Claire Crowe, Psychologist for Neonatology at Children’s Health Ireland, regardless of age, there are several things that can help children adjust to the death of a sibling:
- Acknowledge and share your own grief with your children. It’s ok to say daddy is crying because I feel sad that the baby died, and I miss her.
- Give them permission to grieve differently – children are different to adults and so won’t stay in a sustained state of sadness. Reassure them that it’s ok for them to feel happy and to want to do their usual fun activities. Children can worry or feel guilty about this normal drive.
- It is helpful to talk about their little brother or sister so that they continue to be recognised as part of the family. Putting up a picture or a remembrance token tells children that it is ok for us to remember the baby. In this way children appreciate that they have permission to ask questions and share their feelings when and if they need to.
- Children will need more comfort and reassurance. It’s scary for them to learn that someone young can die and may make them worry about their mortality or other people in the family. If there is someone within your family or friends who they can lean on for additional support, try to facilitate this. Children may not want to talk directly to their parents because even at a young age they appreciate that your grief is immense, and they may not want to add to it. This does not mean you are not parenting but rather you have raised a sensitive attuned child, who can reach out to others for help when needed.
- Be compassionate to yourself. The death of a child is a huge tragedy for the family. There is no right way to do this. Reach out to professional services for peer supports for children who have lost a sibling.
- Children make sense of their world through adults storying events for them. A book that you can read together or give to an older child helps them to realise that other people have gone through this experience of infant loss and that they are not alone.